another night of sadness

I thought I’m already over you„ But I just broke down and cried… I don’t want you back… But I dont know why it still hurts big time. A year has passed since it all ended, but the pain is still as strong as before. Especially when I remember the way you hug me tight util I fall asleep. Sometimes I’m still wondering how could someone hurt me this much. when all I did was to love you with all my heart and give you all I can give to you. Still it was never enough. I was never enough. I’m still sad that I lost my greatest love. It may be unbelievable, but I can’t seem to find another guy to love as much as I loved you. I was so afraid to lose you before, but I don’t want to admit it, to you and to myself. I buried it all down, deep where only me can see and feel it. So when I lost you, I was succumbed by sadness that I’ve never felt in my entire life. I guess we really can’t make someone stay when all they ever want is to leave. I wish I have the power to make you love me again, just like before. How do I get over the sadness loving you has caused me? How do I stop loving you? I wonder when I’ll ever learn to let you go

If Only You’re Here…

… We’d Cuddle in our bed all night, talking and laughing.

… I’d Hug you tight and will never let go.

… I’d Kiss you like there’s no tomorrow. ♥ ♥ 

And all I can do right now is to dream that you’re beside me. 

(I seriously feel that I’m STILL in love with you.♥ OMG.)

I have died everyday waiting for you.

A Thousand Years by Christina Perri

Alone at Christmas Eve Singing

It’s Christmas Eve, and I’m happy. Alone, but happy being alone. Been practicing A Thousand Years by Christina Perri, my friends wants us to make a cover of the song and I’ll be singing it (and probably be playing the piano too). I’m excited to practice with them! 

I kinda felt like I was talking to Twokles when I practiced the vocals earlier tonight. It kinda made me teary-eyed a bit and I’m still wondering why. Could it be that I’m still in love with him?

"…How can I love when I’m afraid to fall?

But watching you stand alone,

All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow…”

- A Thousand Years

Missing My Twokles

I chatted with Twokles tonight. He’s not doing fine. And I can’t help but feel so sad about it. He said he misses me, and God knows how much I miss my bestfriend too. If only I can be with him now that he needs me by his side.

I miss our laughter. I miss our long talks. I miss the hugs. I miss everything about us. So, why am I saying all of these things? Am I still in love with him? Well, in love or not, we had so much history together that it’s hard to totally live without each other. And I don’t need to be in love to miss him.

Now it’s the Yuletide Season. I got used to being with him during this time of the year. To be honest, now that he’s far away, I don’t know how and where I’m gonna spend it. 

I love my bestfriend so much. He’s very important to me and I don’t know if I can ever live without his shadow. I am happy now, but I know that behind the smiles is an empty space that only he can fill up.

Realizing what an Immature B*tch I am Before

I was crying my heart out last night. I’ve read a post from Girltalk I made exactly a year ago and I realized how immature I was then. It was my fault why we eventually broke up - I didn’t wait for my Twokles to be okay.

By the way, Twokles is my bestfriend-turned boyfriend-turned ex-bf -turned bestfriend. And after a year, I might have accepted that it’s really over between us, but I can feel that he still holds a special place in my heart. After all that’s happened, I’m still missing what we used to be. 

I was supposed to meet up with somebody tonight but I cancelled the “date” because of my still puffy eyes from last night. I cried myself to sleep, whispering his name and pretending to talk to him. I hugged his pillow and tried my best to sleep on his bed (yes, he left me his stuff before he went back to US). 

This photo was taken during our 1st anniversary as a couple. 

Don’t get me wrong. I really really like Bi-F. He makes me happy now. But there’s just this place in my heart that only Twokles can occupy, a place where nobody can replace as of the moment. 

Missing Him

I went out today, I was supposed to have my root canal procedure with the dentist, but, oh well. I was rescheduled for January 3.

I can’t stop thinking about my bi friend (let’s call him Bi-F for that matter, haha). OMG. We’re happily texting and I laughed out loud (literally) while walking. Everybody around me stared and, I was like, whatever, I’m happy! haha. He was talking about how cold it is on their province and all. God, I miss him!

You feel jealous yet you can’t complain. You can get hurt yet you can’t show it. You can love with your all yet you can’t say it.
All you can do is watch, keep the pain, enjoy the smiles, hugs and kisses, then show how much that person means to you.

Jealousy over… other women?

Okay. Now I remember an incident when I got jealous (with regards to my Bi friend). It was never with men (to whom he gets kilig and all) but with women (uh oh!). I can’t believe that I get jealous over the girls who sexy danced with him on our post-Christmas Party dance when they’re also my friends! haha… I don’t know. I just didn’t like it when I saw them, so I turned my back and walked away from the dance floor a bit then pretended to talk to my other friends.

Until now, I really can’t explain how I felt on that night. It’s not a good sign. I just want everything to run smoothly between us. That and I just want us to be happy. 

Just when I thought that I am actually hiding my emotions well. Oh well… I better try harder on stabilizing my emotions or else, I might blow it!

Liking a Friend

Realizing that I’m starting to like my bisexual friend is quite something. It’s unnerving whenever I think of the kilig feeling I get. It’s a good thing that I don’t feel it that often, probably because I often fight the feeling off haha. 

I’m okay with what we have. I’m not saying that it’s better than nothing, in fact it’s the perfect relationship that we can have, now or in the future. Just imagine if we end up together, we’d probably argue and get jealous over the same guy haha.

We’re very close. We’re together 6 days a week. We get along well, we can be who we really are when we’re together. I couldn’t ask for more. I am happy.

It’s just weird that I’m still genuinely happy for him whenever he talks about men. I guess it’s because I’ve already accepted that part of him, and loved him anyways. We’ve known each other for years, and I’m used to it. Nothing’s changed, except that I like him more now. =)))

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Me. After a craniotomy.